I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
