I accidentally had phone sex last night
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
