my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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