How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
