I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
