The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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