How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
