I seem to have left my pride at pride
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
organizing the empties. That sober.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize