Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
