When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If I die, sorry about rent.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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