Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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