My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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