So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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