Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
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