i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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