I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
