Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
