I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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