I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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