How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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