Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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