Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Small penises have feelings too.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
