Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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