im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
did i just pee glitter
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
