Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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