I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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