just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
