the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
