you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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