God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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