I'm so fucking centered right now
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
