I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
