Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
