On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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