This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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