i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
