Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
