It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
