My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
