high people should be assigned attendants
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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