You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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