Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
