Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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