the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
