i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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