After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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