I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize