You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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