I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
