Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
