My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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