she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
