I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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