You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
