come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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